God at His Worst

“For we are glad when we are weak and you are4 strong. And this also we pray that you maybe made complete.”

2 Corinthians 13: 9

I’m on my knees. The pain has overwhelmed me. As I think about how events have come together I wonder how it will all turn out. There are times when I feel I have failed at everything I have set out to do.

I was given a job to do that had a great purpose. Did I know that the duties given me were bigger and grander than myself? Of course. That is why I asked God for help every step of the way. He brought me help when the time came. Okay, they weren’t the most talented, wisest, and sometimes a little rambunctious, but at least they came. I wasn’t alone.

God gave me the abilities to do some pretty amazing things. Some people got it while others, sadly many, didn’t get it. They couldn’t believe that God would use someone like me. I’m a nobody from a nowhere town, with limited resources at my disposal. However, God said that all things were possible to those who believe. His Word became my bread and butter.

What made it worse is when those who called themselves my brothers in the faith became jaded. Some deserted our relationship, and then it got nasty. The ones who said they were with me turned on me. I tried to call or keep in contact, but the voices on the other end were silent. That hurts, that really hurts. I am just trying to show them kindness, goodness, and let them know they are loved. Feeling alone makes my hope flicker.

I know all of this sounds really depressing, but I need to get this out. My chest, my heart is burning.

Dear Father, I don’t know how this is all going to turn out, but thank you for letting me vent. I have never felt this low, this broken, this miserable. I trust that you know what you are doing. I realize that I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. It hurts. I hurt. I swear this looks like blood in my sweat. Wow, am I that stressed? Ah…Father, not my will, but yours. If there is another way to do this, please open that door. You can make the impossible, possible.

Here they come. I see their swords and torches. That is not a merry gathering. They are coming for me. I think my Judas is going to go through with this. So, like you always do, turn this horrific experience into something that glorifies you. Take my worst and turn it into the best.

Amen.